Siriusly Random
by goatsandboats
Summary: A story of random stuff that happens to Sirius Black, along with his companion, James Potter, at school. It includes: A Phantom, some people from Lost, muggle games, and lots more! Please read and review!
1. The Phantom of the Underground Lair

-1**Chapter 1: The Phantom of the Underground Lair**

**A sort of narrative story of what happens to Sirius and James on a train ride, that somehow leads them to an underground lair. Like the title suggests, it is really random.**

**This story is written by me, KT, and a friend, KD.**

**Besides Harry Potter, it is combined with Phantom of the Opera and Lost.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything.**

Once upon a time, there lived a boy of sixteen years old with black shaggy hair, named Sirius. He happened to be named after the dog star, Sirius. His best friend is James Potter, who wore round, funny-looking glasses.

One day, getting ready to face their sixth year at Hogwarts, they boarded the Hogwarts Express. For the first hour or so, it was very uneventful, but then…

THEY DIE!

Everyone assumed that the Phantom of the Opera has murdered him. The readers (That's You!), hopefully, are puzzled because they are wondering why there is a phantom on the train. The Phantom was not a regular Phantom of the Opera, he was a Phantom of the Train. The Trolley lady that gives food to the starving, poor little wizards and witches came to their compartment and saw no on there.

JAMES AND SIRIUS WERE NOT MURDERED…

THEY WERE KIDNAPPED,

BY THE PHANTOM OF THE TRAIN!

They were transported to the Phantom's underground lair. How they got from a train to an underground lair still ponders me, but that is another story for another time. So anyways…The Phantom is now the Phantom of the Underground Lair and not the Phantom of the Train, or he could be the Phantom of Mixed Emotions. Because they are underground now, his lair is molding AS WE SPEAK. However, the Phantom likes mold, he collects it and puts it in jars and then either sells them on eBay or gives them as gifts. There is an escalator going down to his lair, I don't know why though, that is a story for another day, maybe Wednesday. James and Sirius were held hostage by the Phantom, who was CLEARLY insane and were telling them that the grasshopper jumps jolly high.

Sirius started laughing because he remembers that one time, when he was just a wee lad, he was playing in his dusty backyard (cause no one uses it) and then a grasshopper crawled on him. It tickled him TO DEATH.

Just kidding, if it did, then he would not be here today. As Sirius was reminiscing about how he laughed so hard when the grasshopper was on him and it would not get off, Sirius, himself, was laughing out loud. The Phantom jerked his head, "Is something the matter, boy?" The Phantom asked.

Sirius tried to remain calm, "Oh…no…heh…nothing…hahaha…is the matter."

The Phantom, however, went on, "…because if you were, we could get a doctor. Is there a doctor in the house?…I mean LAIR!"

A man came rushing up, "Yes, yes, I am a doctor. My name is…"

THERE WAS A DRAMATIC PAUSE.

"…is Jack Shephard."

James could not help it, "Aren't you stranded on an island, currently?"

"No…That was my twin, who also has the same name. Our parents like the name Jack." Jack said with shifty eyes.

James replied, "Oh…sure…sure."

"GUYS, LET'S GET BACK ON SCHEDULE! I'm going to miss Lost if we get off topic!" The Phantom said. He also happened to have a apron with yellow duckies on it.

It was Jack's turn to butt in, "Lost? That show where everybody is stranded on an island and there are polar bears and Others and like everything else?"

"Damn straight." The Phantom said and turned to check his watch.

Jack cried out, "I LOVE THAT SHOW! I _always _wish I could be on that island. It sounds SO interesting!" The Phantom and Jack got into a lengthy conversation, and it seemed that they were not even taking any breaths.

DING DONG!

The Phantom's door rang, because you know, all underground lairs have door bells…and doors.

"Now, who could that be?" The Phantom prancing to the door. Yes, prancing. He was prancing like a little prancing pony. Slowly and suspenseful, he opens the door. And who could it be but…

SAWYER!

"Sawyer!" The Phantom exclaimed. "I was not expecting you till seven, but do come in."

Sawyer replied in a hot sexy southern accent. "Why I don't mind if I do. What is with the kids?"

Sirius replied with a question, "But what is with the hot sexy southern guy who happens to walk around everywhere shirtless?" Sirius liked being known for his incredible hotness and he feared that this guy was going to take that away from him.

Sawyer was silently thinking about how hot this kid was, and would perhaps have to kill him for his hotness. Sawyer replied to Sirius's question, "And who the hell are you, shrimp?"

"I am Sirius Black," and could not hold it back any longer, "And I am siriusly (A/N sorry I just had to do that) hotter than you!" And Sirius did a little involuntary swish of his hair. The Phantom looked on with a jaw-dropping expression.

Sawyer's eyes burned with the hatred of a thousand evils and he pulled out a shot gun and shot at Sirius. Sirius, however, turned into a dog and ran away, but at the same time, the Phantom jumped in front of the bullet to protect Sirius's hotness. The Phantom dropped to the floor. He has been shot. This was the end. Or was it? Just then, Jack rushed over and said, "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" Of course, the Phantom thought, I am saved, because Jack is a doctor. Unfortunately, right at that moment, Kate walked in in a wedding gown, and practically screamed at Sawyer, "SAWYER! HOW COULD YOU FORGET TO COME! IT WAS OUR OWN WEDDING DAY! You didn't even show up...or leave a note...or called...or ANYTHING!"

Sawyer started to come toward Kate, but then Jack jumped on top of Sawyer pinning him down and yelling, "I got him Kate, now we can get married!"

Sawyer trying to get out of Jack's clutches said, "Get off, jackass!"

Jack replied, "Never in a million years! Kate is mine!"

James, who have not said anything for a few minutes, said "JACK!" Aren't you supposed to be helping the Phantom? Who is currently dying! And you are abandoning him, so you can follow your heart! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU!" And on that final note, James took out the Phantom's most precious noose, named Betsy, and put it around Jack's neck.

And then…

Jack died.

After that brief moment, Sirius turned back into a human and pulled out a random book from his bag. It was _How To Heal Gunshot Wounds for Dummies_, and got to work. Sirius was mumbling to himself, "Now to take out bullet, refer to figure one…where is figure one? Oh wait! There it is, now wait WHAT! I have to do that? Oh well." Then he started humming to himself. Sirius could do almost everything he tried. The only thing he could not so was tie a normal tie. He always made bow ties…weird. Sirius was singing his favorite song, _The Great Escape_, while pulling the bullet, cleaning, and dressing the Phantom's wound. Just like the book had said. James had passed out from watching Sirius do the surgery on the Phantom. Sawyer and Kate were making out in a corner of the room. They had found a bottle of really strong whiskey and shared it between the two of them, and they were both obviously drunk. And well…Jack was still dead.

The Phantom woke, "Am I in heaven?"

Sirius replied, "No."

"Well am I in hell?"

Sirius replied once again, "No."

"Then where the hell am I?"

Sawyer, coming up for air, yelled across the room, "YOU'RE IN YOUR LITTLE UNDERGROUND LAIR. YOU'RE NOT DEAD, DUMBASS." Then he went back to Kate.

The Phantom looked outraged. "You mean I cannot be with my dear departed Christine!" Christine, his wife, died a year ago.

James, recovering from his faint, said, "Who is Christine?"

Sirius turned to him and said, "Oh, you know, the girl in all those muggle pictures everywhere. He must be obsessed or something. She was in that muggle movie, _The Phantom of the Opera_. You watched it with me and Remus, remember?"

"Oh yeah, you bawled your head out, it was so funny watching you cry."

"Hey! I told you, it was allergies!"

"Sure…sure. What precisely were you allergic to, might I ask?"

"Well, you know…cough stuff in the air. Your house is filthy, don't you ever clean it?"

"Yeah well, at least my house is not filled with pureblood jack asses."

"That's true." Sirius agreed with a nod. "NOW!" Sirius said, while pounding the ground with a fist. "Back to business."

"Yes! TO BUSINESS!" Screamed the Phantom.

Kate and Sawyer jumped. The cave echoed and thus made the Phantom's loud outburst even louder, and made them take a breath and stop making out in the corner.

"Ok," said Kate, "I think I'm going to leave now." And scurried off.

"KATE!" Yelled Sawyer, as he left the cave in pursuit of Kate.

"Ok, what should we do now?" Asked Sirius.

"Well," The Phantom started, "We could play checkers, dance an interpretive dance, bake brownies, play charades, have an opera, collect some mold, have a party, kill a few innocent bystanders, you know the usual."

"Um," James looked uneasy. "What do you want to do, Sirius?"

"I want to play quidditch, you know, with my own rules, but that's just me." Sirius added with a mysterious grin and a wink. He was famous for his winks.

"Well, we only have three people, so I don't know how that is going to work."

"Damn."

"Do you think anyone is missing us at school, Sirius?"

"Hmmmm…Remus might, doubt Peter would be, and every girl at school is missing me, I can guarantee you…and maybe the teacher, but I doubt it."

"Yeah, it seems improbably that McGonagall is missing us right now. In fact, she is probably having a party."

"Yeah, with Dumbledore, Professor Binns, and Professor Slughorn."

"I hate Professor Binns."

"Doesn't everyone hate Professor Binns? He is so boring!"

"Whose Professor Binns?" The Phantom butting in.

"You know," Sirius said, "He is the ghost who teaches History of Magic. Duh! Everyone knows that."

"Well, SORRY, but I didn't." The Phantom whined.

"Well now you know!" Said James brightly.


	2. Gruel

-1**Chapter two: Gruel **

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything**

It was very boring in the cave. Especially to Sirius, because he finds everything boring, but this was at the top of his most boring list. One day, while the Phantom was out buying a new cape and some new leather gloves, James and Sirius decide they must escape. If they didn't escape soon, they would go crazy from boredom and the smell of mold everywhere.

"James, how do we get out of this fucking cave?" Sirius asked. He was very annoyed because he has done nothing interesting for the past day. They did not see which way the Phantom left, because the Phantom is mysterious like that, and therefore they could not see where the exit was.

"Well, I have noticed that there is an escalator, maybe there is a door at the top." James said. The two rode the escalator up to find millions of containers containing mold. The sign above it said The Phantom's Mold Collection, Please Do Not Disturb.

"This was pointless. Why would he keep his collection of mold at the top of an escalator?" Sirius asked.

James replied, "Maybe he wants it to look more secretive. I don't know. I'm not a mold expert. I just want to find an exit." James looked around a couple of times. "Aha! There it is!"

"Where?" Sirius was always astonished at James, because James could see things he could not, however, James had less than perfect eyesight and dorky looking glasses.

"See, near the right corner, there is a curtain. Above that curtain there is a sign that says Exit. I think we should go there." James went up to the curtain and pulled it sideways and light filled the room. They have found the exit, or entrance, depending on your point of view.

"Yes! Let's go, James, before that damn Phantom comes back."

They went outside and found themselves on a mountain side over looking a small village. The climbed down a small ways, and started looking around town.

"I'm hungry. I want to eat something. Now." Sirius complained. Loudly.

"Well there is a pub right there. Let's get something from there and maybe stay the night, then see what to do."

"Sounds great. I could eat a stag right now."

"Hey!"

"I didn't mean you."

"I bet you did."

"Hey, let's go inside."

"Now you're just changing the subject."

"No, I'm just really hungry. I want to go inside and get something." Sirius walked toward the pub and James followed. Inside there was a big banner that said: FREE GRUEL AND ONLY GRUEL DAY!

"No way." Sirius groaned. "Gruel? I hate gruel!"

"I like gruel!" Sirius turned. The man who said that was a skinny man with brown hair, who seemed to pop out of nowhere. (A/N: 10 thousand points to whoever knows where that line was from)

"Fine, you can have mine"

"This is my lucky day!" And on that note, the skinny man ran off, probably going to annoy other people with his optimistic voice. James started walking toward the stairs and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a black-caped figure with a white mask.

"Hey Sirius." James turned toward Sirius.

"What?" Sirius said with a hint of hunger in his eyes.

"Did you see that?"

"What?"

"Oh…nothing." James resolved that since Sirius didn't see anything, he will forget that he saw that black-caped figure. Still, at night, as he was trying to sleep, his mind kept coming back to the figure and how white the mask was. It seemed familiar to James, but he just couldn't think of what.

In the morning, they raised their wand arms and the Knight Bus came. They figured this was the fastest way to get to Hogwarts.

"Where do you wanna go today?" Asked Stan, the conductor of the bus.

"Hogwarts." Replied Sirius.

"Righty-o, hold on." And they were off, zooming through the cities and towns. It was a good thing that they were the only people on the bus, because Sirius could not take much longer of it.

It was a huge relief to see the Hogwarts castle again. It turns out they were right, only Remus missed them, everyone else had a party and the professors didn't even give out homework. No one believed their story, not even Dumbledore ("I bet you two just went to one of those muggle night clubs"). Remus tried to believe their story, for their own sake, but Sirius and James could tell that he didn't believe them as well. Sirius and James were happy to be back, however on their way to the Gryffindor common room, James saw the mysterious black-capped figure. The very same one he saw at the pub, with the same white mask. James shook his head, telling himself that he was imagining things.

But then…

SWOOSH

James and Sirius were engulfed by darkness.

**A/N: Sorry it's a short chapter but I wanted to leave it as a cliff hanger.**


	3. The Phantom of Hogwarts

**Chapter Three: The Phantom of Hogwarts**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything.**

When Sirius and James woke up from out of the black, they were in a strange hallway filled with many torches. It smelled like scented candles.

"Whoa! I didn't know this place existing! I think we have to revise our map. Hey, what's with all the torches?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, maybe Dumbledore is redecorating the place." James said.

"It's about time," grumbled Sirius, "I never liked the hallways, too many pictures and not enough light."

Out of nowhere, strange opera music was coming from the far reaches of the corridor.

"I hate opera music," Sirius said, "It's annoying."

Suddenly out of the shadows, the Phantom appeared. "IT IS NOT ANNOYING, YOU STUPID BOY!"

"Aha! I knew you followed us back!" James yelled at the Phantom.

"You did?" Sirius asked.

"Of course. I know everything."

"Why didn't you tell me! I'm your bestest buddy!"

"Well, I wanted to, but…"

"Oh wow, don't I feel loved."

"ENOUGH CHATTING!" The Phantom bellowed. Or roared. Or both at the same time.

"Man, you have anger issues. Perhaps you should read one of my books." Sirius said. He pulled out _Anger Management for Dummies_ and handed it to the Phantom. "They really help." Sirius said while smiling.

"Hmmm…Perhaps I will read it later."

"That's nice." James impatiently said, "But why are you here and why did you kidnap us…AGAIN?"

"For you to sing with me, of course! I was so lonely after you two left, so I decided to follow you !" The Phantom said with a huge smile.

"But I don't know how to sing!" Cried James.

"That's okay, I have the book, _How to Sing for Dummies_. Let me pull it out. We can learn right now." As James and Sirius were trying to learn how to sing from a book, the Phantom was playing an organ. The Phantom started playing to the tune, that sounded like this:

DUNNNNNDUNNNNNNNNDUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Without any warning whatsoever, the phantom started singing a weird song that James and Sirius both did not recognize. "The phantom of Hogwarts is there, inside your common room!"

"Oh my god," Sirius said, "That sounds so dirty." Sirius started laughing. Then James started laughing too. Soon, they were having a contest on who can laugh the weirdest. The Phantom of Hogwarts, which he now calls himself, started laughing in a high pitched maniacal laughing manner.

Sirius and James both stopped laughing. Sirius was first to say something, "I think he wins, James."

"Yeah…I agree."

"You mean, I won?" Cried the Phantom. He never felt like this before, he felt like he just won the lottery or the Triwizard Tournament or something.

"Yep." Sirius said, while smiling.

"Well then. Since I have won, I shall perform another song." On that note, Sirius and James simultaneously groaned. However, the Phantom did not hear, and he began his song:

"_Nighttime sharpens, heightens each invocation,_

_Darkness stirs and wakes the potion making._

_Silencing the spells abandon their defenses._

_Slowly, gently, magic unfurls its splendor,_

_Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender._

_Turn your spells away from the garish light of day,_

_Turn your spells away from cold, unfeeling charms._

_And conjure up the magic of the night, _

_Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest spells._

_Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before,_

_Close your eyes, let the magic soar._

_And you'll live as you've never lived before._

_Softly, deftly, magic shall caress you…"_

James and Sirius looked at each other and turned back to face the Phantom. They knew that if they looked at each other again, they would start laughing. So, they crept down the torch-lit corridor, and found the way out. Fortunately, the Phantom was too caught up in his song and didn't notice their leave.

They walked back to the common room, when they were greeting by McGonagall, who gave them two weeks worth of detention. That started immediately. They told McGonagall about the Phantom, that they just recently bumped into ("I swear! He is here, the Phantom of Hogwarts is here!"). However, this earned them another week of detention. James knew that this was not a big concern with Sirius, his parents never cared about what he did, however, it mattered to James. Still, he liked detention. It was his favorite pastime, well, besides Quidditch, of course.

Sirius was writing "I will not leave the school train and/or campus to got to a muggle night club ever again" five hundred times.

"OW!" Sirius screamed. "My hand is spasing! I hate writing lines!"

James laughed, "Well at least you don't have to scrub all the windows in the Great Hall, like I do."

"True that."

Their detention passed fairly quickly, and they enjoyed telling people that the Phantom of Hogwarts IS HERE in the school. However, most students have gotten tired of their constant stories and ignored them mostly.

**A/N: Please review! Also that song, is a parody of Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera, in case you couldn't figure it out already.**


	4. Chess and Hot Dogs

**Chapter 4: Chess and Hot dogs**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything**

In the common room, James and Sirius were playing wizard's chess. Sirius, who was not very good at it, had proceeded to pull _Wizard's Chess for Dummies_, and went on to beating poor, pathetic James's ass.

"You know what Sirius! That's not fair! I didn't even know you could do that move! Give me that book!" James yelled at Sirius. Sometimes James had an anger issue. A big one.

"Well perhaps you should read more. You can find out everything by reading. There's no way in hell I'm going to give you my book! It's my book and not yours! Get your own book!" Sirius clung on to the book with all of his might and proceeded to act like a three year old, pouting in the corner of the common room. However, James was not going to give up that easily, he backed up, getting ready with a running start, and pounced on Sirius, trying to pry the book from his fingers. Sirius turned into a dog and bit James's arm.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" And on that note, James turned into a stag and rammed his antler's into Sirius. Sirius, who was smaller than a stag, ran around James and up into the dormitory. He collided with Remus, who happened to be reading a book, _Werewolves for Dummies _(Sirius lent it to him a while ago and he just now decided to read it). Sirius transformed back into a human.

"Ow! Sirius, you shouldn't be transforming in the common room, people might see." Remus said. "By the way, why were you in dog form right now?" Sirius was just about to explain to Remus why he transformed, when James, still as a stag, came and rammed Sirius so hard that he pushed Remus off the bed. Remus hit the curtain from the bed, and the whole thing came tumbling down, resulting in James's antlers being tangled in the sheets.

James transformed back into a human. "Help! The sheets are swallowing me!" James continued to thrash around some more. Remus found his way out from under the curtain and pulled the blankets off of James.

Remus sighed, "You guys sometimes embarrass me. I don't even know why I hang out with you two anymore." Remus shook his head.

"Because you love us! That's why!" James and Sirius shouted in unison.

Then randomly, Sirius yelled, "GROUP HUG!" James and Sirius rushed towards Remus and hugged him so hard that Remus could not breath and he almost passed out.

"I thought I made you promise that you would never do that ever again!" Remus said, while still catching his breath.

"Ah," Sirius mused, "If only you made us get it I writing."

"I did.," Remus said sternly, "Then you tore it up into a million pieces and stated that I could trust you by word of mouth and it was useless to write it down.

"Oh," said Sirius, looking guiltily at the floor, "Well…what's one hug going to do to you, eh, old chap?"

"You almost strangled me!"

James and Sirius both looked very sorry, when suddenly, they both burst out in fake sobs. "HE DOESN'T LOVE US ANYMORE!" James cried out.

"He's always toying with our hearts. It's just not fair!" Sirius joined in. He had been practicing his fake crying over the summer, so his tears almost looked genuine. In case you were wondering why Sirius was practicing his fake sobbing, it was so that he could start getting out of detentions that he thought were a tad unreasonable. For example, this one time, when Sirius had "accidentally" put Professor Slughorn's robes on fire. It was an accident and he shouldn't have had to clean all the potion bottles until he could see his own reflection. So that, my dear readers, is why he was so good at fake crying.

"Sirius," Remus started, "I know those are fake tears, I've been with you long enough to realize when you are actually crying. So both of you, STOP ANNOYING ME!"

"But don't you want an explanation first?" James asked innocently, while drying his eyes and batting his eyelashes.

Remus sighed, "Ok fine. What is your excuse?"

"Well," Sirius started very dramatically, "If you must know, James and I were having a friendly competition of wizard's chess. And I, knowing best, took out a book on how to play chess. You know how horrible I am."

"Even though it is so unfair that you get to cheat with a book and I have to be crummy and play with NO book. CHEATER!" James said, in defense.

"I'M NOT A CHEATER! YOU ARE!" Sirius yelled.

"HOW?" James yelled back. "I'm not the one who pulled out that book!"

"YES…BUT YOU KNOW YOU CAN TOTALLY READ MY MIND! YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!"

"Since when could I read your mind? If I could read minds, I would be taking over the world right now!"

"YOU JUST SAY YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE ALL THE ATTENTION!"

"ENOUGH!" Shouted Remus. "Please stay focused. Why did you transform and disturb me while I was reading!"

"Because…I wanted to see the book." James quietly said.

"So naturally, I had to defend my book," Sirius said with out looking at James, "And I went into a corner and protected it."

"And then," James dramatically said, "I REALLY wanted to see the book. So I pounced on him."

"Naturally, I had to defend myself, so I bit his arm." Sirius said, starting to get angry at James.

"Hey, don't get angry with me, you should be apologizing to me for biting my arm!"

"Why should I apologize to you, you were attacking me over MY BOOK!" Sirius said defensively.

"BECAUSE YOU BIT ME!"

"FOCUS!" Remus roared. "How did you get up the stairs and into the dormitory?"

"Well I walked up them." Sirius said with a smirk.

"Don't be a smart ass with me, Sirius," Remus said, frowning, "You know what I mean."

"Okay, okay," James confessed, "It really was my fault. I pushed Sirius with my antlers and he crashed into you and that's how this whole mess started!" James looked down at his shoes, he knew if he looked up, Remus would be giving him The Death Glare from Doom. Remus was good at doing The Death Glare rom Doom. He had a lot of practice.

Remus sighed and smiled slightly. He was going to go easy on them this time. "Honestly, why do I even hang out with you two? You both act like three year olds."

"Because you love us, remember?" Sirius said.

"Just don't crash into me anymore and please," Remus said, looking stern, "DON'T strangle me ever again. Okay? I enjoy my reading time…away from you two."

"Fine, I guess we'll go down and get some lunch. I'm starving." After Sirius said this, his stomach grumbled a little bit.

"I'll come with you." Remus said while getting up.

"I thought you were going to read?" Inquired James.

"Yes. Well, I'm hungry. I don't like to read when I'm hungry." Remus said, looking sheepishly out the window.

"'Kay, fine. Let's go down and get some food before it's all gone." Sirius said, as he opened the door.

"Hey," James questioned, "Isn't today hot dog day?"

"Yes. It's all you can eat hot dog day." Remus said instantly.

Sirius suddenly stopped in his tracks and burst out laughing.

"What? Why are you laughing? Did you put another one of those immature signs on my back again?" Remus asked Sirius.

All Sirius did was start laughing again. And more. Finally catching his breath, he said, "Wow, that's really…sexual." He went on another laughing rampage.

"What?" Remus asked. Then he looked back on what he said earlier, "Sirius, you are so damn immature!"

All Sirius could respond with was, "Sexual." And continued to laugh. James started laughing as well. Now at this point, Sirius was on the floor, crying, he was laughing so hard and started drawing a crowd.

Dumbledore pushed through the crowd, and found Sirius rolling on the floor laughing and Remus and James laughing on the sidelines.

Sirius was shouted, "Sexual" over and over and laughing even more. Every time he said it, he laughed more and louder.

"Okay, that's it Sirius. I've had enough out of you." Dumbledore sighed, "Detention for one week and fifty points from Gryffindor."

Sirius stopped laughing, "What? No way, Professor! That is so not cool!" James and Remus laughed as they helped Sirius up, and they all went to go get some hot dogs.

**A/N: Please Review!**


	5. A Different Kind of Lesson

**Chapter 5: A Different Kind of Lesson**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything**

On Monday, they started a new class called Survival and other Necessities. They did not know who was teaching the lesson.

"What kind of a class is Survival and other Necessities?" Remus asked, reading the schedule. "To think! I could be in something a tad more useful like potions or something."

"Come on Remus! Live a little! This is the first year thy are ever doing this class! You never know, it may be really cool or at least be better than divination." Sirius said. He was very excited for this class, he did not even know why.

"I wonder if we'll learn anything useful in this class, like how to do things without our wands." Remus said. He was always thinking about school work. The three of them headed towards the classroom. Peter was taking a year off from school, for who knows what. As the opened the door, they found a huge surprise. The professor was none other that…

SAWYER!

It was the man they met at the Phantom's underground lair. "You again," Sawyer said in his hot, sexy, southern accent. "Well take a seat lads."

They were in shock. Sirius and James thought that Sawyer was a muggle and they were clueless to what sawyer would teach them. "Who is he?" Asked Remus, who looked puzzled as to why James and Sirius were so shocked.

"He's a guy we met at the Phantom's underground lair. SEE WE WERE TELLING THE TRUTH!" James said.

"Oh, I thought you guys were just acting weird as usual," Remus said, smiling, "Let's sit down. We look like morons, just standing in the middle of the corridor.

"True that." They scurried into the classroom and took seat in their usual spots, the back row.

"Now lads," Sawyer started to say, "My name is Sawyer. 'Nuf said." Sirius began to rock backwards in his chair, still paying attention to Sawyer. He could not put his finger on it, but he knew that he was going to like this class. "Today," Sawyer continued, "We will learn the art of taking off our shirts. This sometimes includes ripping your shirt off in a sexy way. Maybe even some of you will get to learn how to do it one-handed today. Now ladies, you get the best part, you get to watch the guys practice, and heh, help them if they need…help." All the girls in the classroom began to giggle. Some of them looked anxiously towards Sirius, James, and Remus. They were known to have good bodies.

Sirius smiled to himself, "I knew I was going to like this class," he whispered to James.

James whispered back, "This is going to be awesome. Do you think Evans will watch me?"

"Of course she will," Sirius whispered, "With disgust in her eyes." Sirius laughed. James pushed Sirius. It happened that he pushed Sirius a little bit too much, and Sirius fell out of his chair. It made a huge commotion. Everyone stopped and turned around to see what was going on.

"We got us a regular show off," Sawyer said, walking toward the table. "What seems to be the problem, Sirius?" He said in his sexy accent. A couple of the girls giggled and sighed when Sawyer was talking.

"Well, professor, I fell off my chair." More girls giggled.

"I see," Sawyer smirked, "I just chose you to be my first victim. Get ready for some good ol' stripping." Sawyer said and grabbed Sirius by the shoulder and pushed him slightly toward the front of the room. Sirius smiled. This was going to be a piece of cake.

"Okay, smart ass," Sawyer continued, "Let's see if you can take you shirt off. Since you were being a smart ass, you have to do it one-handed, and remember, you are trying to achieve the sexy effect."

"Excuse me Professor Sawyer," Sirius said, "Do you mind if I go back to my seat for just a second?"

"Why is that?" Sawyer said with a puzzled look. Sawyer was the only one able to make their puzzled look, look so sexy.

"I need to read something, it'll be really quick." Sirius said.

"Read? How could you read about taking your shirt off?"

"Just trust me, okay?" Sirius said, while walking toward his seat. He dug through his bag and pulled out _How to Take Your Shirt Off One-Handed for Dummies_. He quickly flipped through diagrams, smiled to himself and walked back to the front of the room.

Then the moment everyone was waiting for…and Sirius took off his shirt, with one hand, perfectly. All the girls were staring. One girl even fainting.

"How the hell did you do that!" Sawyer yelled. "None of my other survival student has ever done it one-handed before!"

"Because I've got skills." Sirius smirked. No one was paying attention to the girl who fainted. All eyes were still on Sirius.

"Well alright boy, I've got to admit, you've got skills." Sawyer said and smirked, "Alright, listen up!" He said suddenly, making a bunch of people jump, "I want each of the guys to line up single file right now. Then show us what you've got. Sirius, A+ and I guess I'll give you 50 points toward whatever house thing you're in. I'm still new here and don't get the point system, but whatever. Sirius, since you've proven yourself, I guess you can just help me or whatever you want. Okay, first up is Severus Snape." Sawyer read the name with difficulty. "Jesus Christ, why on earth did your parents name you that!"

"It's…it's a family name." Severus didn't want to do this class, but he figured it was better than divination. Severus had…difficulties on taking off his shirt.

In the end, Sawyer just said, "Okay, kid. I realize you don't know how. Just stop before you damage yourself." Some girls (and a few boys) laughed at Severus.

Sirius, James, and Remus were all laughing. "ALRIGHT!" Sawyer shouted, "James Potter, go."

"Righty-o." James stepped up, and looked at Lily. Lily was looking all around her, but not at him.

"What are you waiting for, man, a freakin' bus!" Sawyer said, impatiently, "Just take off the damn shirt!"

"Okay, okay, I'm going. Don't rush me." Then with a little _swoosh_, his shirt was off. Lily was blushing madly.

"Good, good," Sawyer said, he was very pleased, "You got spunk kid."

James walked over to Sirius. "Did you see that! She blushed! She loves me." James said, swooning with pride.

"James, stop being stupid. She probably just has a sunburn."

"I'm telling you, man…she's got the hots for me." James said, smiling. Remus just rolled his eyes, smiling.

Sawyer called out, "Remus Lupin, it's your turn!" Remus stepped up and very swiftly took off his shirt. A bunch of the girls swooned, which actually surprised Remus, because mostly the girls swooned over Sirius and James. Remus was slightly nervous, he had some scars on his stomach and back, but he was hoping no one will notice.

"Dude," Sawyer said, "Did you get into a cat fight with ten thousand cats?"

"Not exactly."

"Well whatever," Sawyer said, "You did good."

"Thanks." Then Remus walked back to Sirius and James.

"That was close." James whispered to Remus and Sirius.

"Definitely." Sirius said with a worried expression on his face.

The rest of the lesson went on, without any catastrophes, however, Sawyer assigned some homework. "I want you all to practice on a girl in your common rooms, as well as write a ten a ten page essay on the importance of taking off your shirt. Girls, I suppose you have to write about what was the best part of the lesson to you."

The girls giggled, but Lily raised her hand. "Yes, uh," Sawyer looked down at the list, "Lily Evans."

Lily replied, "How is taking your shirt off, part of survival?"

"Well, to look your best for when the survival plane, of course! Also, clothes get in the way. If you take them off sexily, it's just an added bonus for when your older. So hah. Take that miss smarty pants!"

Lily stormed off. Sirius was sniggering, it was the first time he saw Lily angry at a teacher. "I hate Professor Sawyer." James said, watching Lily storm off.

"Why?" Sirius asked, "He is so awesome! Oh wait, I know why. It is because he made fun of your precious Lily flower." Sirius laughed.

"That's not it Sirius." James said, blushing at the floor.

Sirius smiled, he knew he was right. "Well James," Sirius said, "Why don't you comfort your Lily flower. You know you want to."

"Shove off Sirius." James said defiantly. James wanted to, but he knew she would just run away like she always did. Remus and Sirius smiled and followed James out of the classroom.

When James was out of hearing reach, Sirius said to Remus, "Best class. EVER." They laughed, and walked back to the common room.


	6. Hide and Go Seek

**Chapter Six: Hide and Go Seek**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything**

It was a rainy Sunday. Sirius was bored. Remus was doing his homework for next week. How someone could get their homework done before it is ever assigned is beyond me, but Remus still manages it. James was finished with his homework, or so he claims.

Sirius sighed, "There's nothing to do. I'm bored. Entertain me."

James answered, "We could play a game. I know a great muggle game."

Remus butted in, "The last time we tried a muggle game, we got five week's worth of detention and were covered in duck feathers."

"Well," James said, "That was kinda my fault, I misheard the directions. This game, I am one hundred percent certain I know how to play."

"Oh goodie! So what's it called? How do we play?" Sirius was very excited. He will be bored no longer! Or at least for today. Remus just sighed.

"It's called Hide and Go Seek. It is pretty simple, one person counts while everyone else hides. Then when the person is done counting, they go look for the other people. The last person to be found is the winner." James finished explaining.

"Hey James," Remus started, "You are pure-blood. How do you know a muggle game?"

"Oh…I learned it from someone who took Muggle Studies."

"Fine, I'll play and no doubt that Sirius will play. However, I think we need more people." Remus said.

"Okay then," James looked around, "Hey Evans, want to play hide and go seek with us?"

Lily sighed, "I guess. Nothing better to do." Lily, like Remus, was working on next week's homework, however, Lily already finished it.

Remus counted, "Okay, that makes us four. Is there anyone else we could invite to play?"

"Well there is the new professor, Sawyer. He seems like he would totally play hide and go seek. Let's go ask him." Of course only Sirius could think of something like ask a professor to play a game. Especially a muggle game.

No one argued with Sirius, mainly because they couldn't think of anyone else. All of them walked to Sawyer's classroom. James peeked in, he saw Sawyer playing with a yo-yo, shirtless.

"Excuse me, Professor?" James said.

Sawyer snapped out of it and looked up. "Yeah kiddo?"

"We would like to know if you would like to play hide and go seek with us."

"Well, kiddo," Sawyer started, "I've got nothing better to do. Sure, I'll play hide and go seek. I will find the best damn hiding place in the school."

"Okay," Remus said, "Now we have five people. Do we need any more people?" Everyone shook their heads.

"Well then," James got up on to a chair, to make him feel taller and more important, "I guess I'll explain the rules. The Forbidden Forest and anywhere outside of Hogwarts is forbidden. You cannot use magic at all or the use of invisibility cloaks or anything else. Everywhere else is fair game. The counter counts to, I guess, two hundred, then yells READY OR NOT, HERE I COME. The counter person, goes and tries to find everyone else. The last person to be found is the winner and gets to be the new counter. Got it?" Everyone nodded their heads. "Okay, who will be the first counter?"

Remus raised his hand, "I guess I will." He sat down. "Okay, I'm going to start…One…" And everyone scurried out the room and down the corridors as fast as they can. Remus stayed in Sawyer's classroom and counted.

Sirius ran all the way to the tenth floor, well he cheated and used a few secret passages ways to get there so fast. Sirius proceeded to go into McGonagall's classroom and hid behind her desk. No one will every look here! Everyone knows for a fact that Sirius hates McGonagall and would never go into her classroom voluntarily.

James ran to Dumbledore's office. He knew Dumbledore would not mind and Remus would never look there. "Ice Mice," James said to the gargoyles that protected Dumbledore's office. James has been in here a little too much to know the password by heart. James knocked on the door.

"Come in." Dumbledore said. He didn't know who it could be, but as soon as he saw James, he said, "Ah, what did you do today?"

"Well…I'm not actually in trouble," Dumbledore looked shocked, "If you allow it sir, I would like to hide in your office. My friends and I are playing a game, hide and go seek, and I do not wish to be found."

"Hmmmm…I think I might have heard of this game. It must be one of those muggle games. Well I suppose you can stay in here for a little while, I was planning to go see McGonagall, so I will be out of your way. But please James, please don't mess anything up." And with that, Dumbledore left.

Back to Remus, who was still counting, "87...88...89...90...91..."

Lily rushed through the halls. _Where should I go? Where should I go? _She thought. Then she realized she was on the seventh floor. She could go to the Room of Requirements! It was the perfect place. She found the place, and found the door (_I need a place to hide_), and went inside.

Remus continued counting, "108...109...110...111..."

Sawyer was still new to the place. There were thousand of doors, and he didn't know where half of them went. He pushed open a door and found a broom closet. "Eh, good enough," he said, and went in.

Twelve minutes later, Remus was done counting. "READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!" Remus yelled it as loud as he could, but doubted if everyone heard it. _Where should I look first? Hmm…maybe the common room, nah, hey what about the Room of Requirements? Yeah that sounds good. _Remus thought and got up to leave and go to the Room of Requirements. He found the door (by _I need to find someone_). Remus found Lily.

"Ha-ha! I found you!"

Lily looked disappointed, "Damn, am I the first one?" Remus nodded. "Well I guess, I'll help you look for the others."

The two of them walked down a corridor, sometimes opening doors at random, until they opened one door and found Sawyer.

"Goddamn! You found me! I thought it was the best damn hiding place!" Sawyer shouted.

"It was a broom closet." Lily pointed out.

"SO!" Sawyer is very defensive over his hiding spot.

"Guys, let's go find Sirius and James. Now where could they be?" Remus asked.

"Knowing Potter, he probably got in trouble and was sent to Dumbledore's office." Lily said.

"Of course!" Remus said, "He would go to Dumbledore's office!" So the three of them walk towards Dumbledore's office. On the way, they actually meet Dumbledore.

"Hey Dumbles," Sawyer greeted Professor Dumbledore, "Did you see that kid, James, around here?"

"Well, I did see him about ten minutes ago," Dumbledore said, smiling, "Perhaps you should head that way." He pointed in the direction of his office. "Now I've got to see Professor McGonagall, see all of you at dinner, and please, Professor Sawyer, don't call me Dumbles."

"I knew it," Lily said in very matter of fact way, "He went and hid in Dumbledore's office."

"Well, let's go." Remus said.

They walked up to the gargoyle, but no one could remember the password. Not even Sawyer, which Lily had to point out was very pathetic and sad. "Well I do know that it's one of those goddamn wizard candies. That weirdo…" Sawyer muttered to himself. They started to ramble off random candy, until finally Remus came up with Ice Mice. They ran up the staircase and went into Dumbledore's office.

"BOO!" Yelled Sawyer. James jumped and hit the top of his head on the desk he was hidden underneath.

"No fair," muttered James, rubbing the back of his head. "How did you know where to find me?" James looked like he was about to start crying. James hated to lose.

"We just knew." Remus smirked.

"Damn." James said, irritably. "Well let's see, there's Lily, Remus, Sawyer, and me," James checked off with his fingers, "Aw, damn, you mean Sirius won! That's so not fair!" James said, looking very irritable. "Well come on, let's go tell him he won."

"We would love to do that, but we have no idea where the hell he is!" Sawyer said. He was getting annoyed at James.

"Okay, let's see…" Lily mused, "We should go somewhere he would never in a million years go." They all sat there, scratching their heads, thinking.

"How 'bout the owlery tower thing." Sawyer said.

"Nah, he goes there every week, I don't even know why." James said.

The all of a sudden, Remus jumped up and yelled, "MCGONAGALL'S CLASSROOM!"

"I don't know, Remus," James said, reluctantly, "Sirius hates McGonagall's place, I mean he might be afraid to go in there alone."

"Precisely."

Meanwhile, over where Sirius was, he was getting freaked out. He kept ob hearing "I am your angel of magic, come to the angel of magic!" over and over. It was very scary to Sirius. Sirius decided to peek out from under the desk. He slowly went up, just when Sawyer banged open the door. Sirius screamed and passed out from being startled so badly.

"Hey, what's gotten into him?" Sawyer asked.

"I don't know," James very dramatically, "But I'm going to find out." James swished his robe dramatically, and waltzed over to Sirius.

**A/N: Please Review!**


	7. Tattoos

**Chapter Seven: Tattoos**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything**

Sirius woke up. "Oh…oh…thank goodness, you're not that bloody Phantom, cause the Phantom," James and Remus exchanged looks, "The Phantom of Hogwarts is here, I heard him."

Lily said, "Sure, sure, as if there's even a phantom, let alone a Phantom in Hogwarts.

Sawyer and James turned their heads to look at Lily and James spoke, "Dude, there is a Phantom. I saw it before, Sirius saw it. Heck, Sawyer was at the Phantom's underground lair! You say there's no Phantom? HA!"

Lily responded, "God, you're all obsessed with this goddamn Phantom. I bet it's all a hoax and you're just trying to fool me."

Sirius yelled, "It's true! It's true! I saw him! He was there! I'm not making this up!"

Later on in the week, Sirius was seeing the Phantom everywhere. On one occasion, he could have sworn that he saw the Phantom in a painting. It happened when they were all walking to Transfiguration, Sirius had accidentally dropped his book bag and had to go pick it up. Sirius was humming to himself, absent mindedly, picking up his books. Suddenly, it became quiet. Too quiet. There were no footsteps, no talking, nothing. Just silence. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he heard the Angel of Magic song coming closer and closer to him. Until unexpectedly, the Phantom popped into one of the pictures and yelled "RARRRR!" at the top of his lungs. Sirius screamed and turned into a dog and ran down the corridor as fast as he could , heading for the Transfiguration classroom.

James and Remus were already sitting in their seats and Professor McGonagall was talking about how to turn their needle into a cake, when suddenly Sirius bangs open the door, screams, and runs under her desk. He continued to scream, "HE'S COMING FOR ME! DON'T LET HIM GET ME! DON'T LET HIM GET ME," until McGonagall turned her desk into a mouse and it scurried off. Now, Sirius, without anywhere to hide, yelled again and started to run out of the room, when McGonagall stopped him.

Sirius started yelling again, "He's coming! He's coming!"

McGonagall said, sternly, like always, "BLACK! No one is trying to get you, whoever you're talking about! Now sit down! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"BUT…BUT…BUT!" Sirius yelled, looking frantic, "I need to go, he is coming!"

"WHO'S COMING?" McGonagall asked, but James answered for Sirius.

"Apparently the Phantom's after him."

"IT'S TRUE!" Sirius yelled, trying to speak some kind of reason. "Didn't you hear how quiet it got and all the singing and, and the RARRRR!" At this moment, Sirius was imitating a popping motion like someone playing peek-a-boo with a child.

McGonagall shook her head, "I think you need to go to the Hospital Wing. Potter, would you take your friend there, immediately?"

"I'M NOT CRAZY!" Sirius screamed, ducking behind James and McGonagall, who were trying to restrain him. However, James dragged Sirius out of the classroom, when they were safely out and into the corridor, James said, "Yes, we're out of going to Transfiguration. Want to go do something else?"

"I'M SCARED!" Sirius yelled, running around James. "HE COULD BE ANYWHERE! ANYWHERE!" Sirius shook James roughly by the shoulders, so that his glass fell off.

"Jeez mate, I thought you'll be happy to miss class."

"oh, don't get me wrong." Sirius stopped to look at James. "I love missing class, but I do not however like being STALKED!" A couple of the paintings were starring to stare at Sirius and his random outbursts.

"Tell you what, let's go to Hogsmeade, using one of our trusty passageways, and get some Butterbeer or maybe even some Firewhiskey."

"Well…" Sirius said, glancing around nervously, "I do love Firewhiskey and I also look way older than I am, so I can buy a bunch of alcohol. Sure! I'm up for it." Sirius said with an anxious smile. They walked to the one-eyed witch, with Sirius looking over his shoulder every five seconds, and went down the passageway.

"I don't like dark corridors." Sirius whimpered, clinging to James in a fright. "I want to get there faster, I mean, this is the ideal place for him to kill me!" Sirius started to run up ahead to get out faster.

"Hey, calm down mate. See? We're at the trap door." James said. They went up and were now in Honeydukes.

"Good, the sooner I drink something, the better I will feel." They went to the Hog's Head, because in the Three Broomsticks, someone, mainly Hagrid, might recognize them. The bartender, Jean-Luke, was polishing some mugs with a dirty rag. Some person was laughing manically, then looked up and vanished.

"THE PHANTOM!" Sirius screamed and hid underneath a table. James had to grab him by the collar to keep him from knocking over anything.

"Calm down, mister. Yell' like that might scare 'way the customers, and we don't want that now do we, eh?" The bartender said. Just then, the door opened. Sawyer was there, smoking what seemed to be a kind of wizard cigarette.

Sawyer said to the bartender, "Hello Chief. The usual if you please. Jean-Luke nodded.

"Hello Professor Sawyer!" James said, "Can you help me get Sirius out from under the table?"

"Why's he under the table?" Sawyer was deeply puzzled.

"THE PHANTOM!" Sirius yelled, clinging to the chairs that were near the table. James was starting to think that there was something seriously wrong with Sirius, but soon, with the help of some alcohol, it was going to be okay. With the help of Sawyer, James and him got Sirius from under the table.

The three of them sat at a table, all drinking Firewhiskey, which apparently is the strongest wizarding drink.

"I love Firewhiskey!" Sirius said, laughing and was downing his third glass.

James, who was now also on his third, said, "Yeah, it's like fire…and whiskey! Ha…ha…get it? Get it?

Sawyer said, "Hey, can we play a drinking game, called I Never."

"No." Sirius said, putting down the glass. "I hate that game." James and Sawyer just stared at him, when suddenly, Sirius burst out laughing, "Wow, you all though I was being serious!" Then Sirius started laughing…again, "I hate my name. Okay, back to business, let's play and this time I am serious. Actually all the time I am Sirius." He laughed some more and drank another glass.

"Okay," James hiccupped, "I'll start, I never took my shirt off one-handed!" James said, looking proud of himself. Sawyer and Sirius both gulped down some Firewhiskey.

Sawyer went, "I never went to Hogwarts as a student."

"You suck." Spontaneously, Sirius yelled, "MY TURN!" Even though they knew it was already his turn. "Okay, now let me see, what haven't I've done, I know, I never got a tattoo."

However, no one drunk to that. Sawyer spoke up, "Actually, I've always wanted to get one. Hey, is there a tattoo parlor around here?"

Sirius, who surprisingly knew, said, "Actually, there's one behind here and a little down the path . Why? Want to go there?"

"Let's go!" James shouted and pulled out money and put it on the table.

They staggered to the tattoo parlor while laughing and making jokes. Every other minute, Sirius yelled out "FLESHLY!" or "SEXUAL!" at the most random things, like a tree or a garbage can. This made Sawyer and James laugh. People walking along the street avoided them and whispered things such as, "Isn't he a Professor?" or "Aren't they a little too young to be drinking?" But James, Sirius, and Sawyer didn't hear, they were too drunk and were laughing too much. Finally, after what seemed like two hours, they got to the tattoo parlor.

"YAY!" Sirius yelled and jumped around, 'I love tattoos!" He laughed and opened the door with extreme difficulty, until he realized that the door said pull not push. "Opps, I knew that," laughed Sirius.

The tattoo man called Barbed Wire was staring at them.

"Hello, my good man!" Sawyer said, shaking his hand, "We are here to get some rock awesome tattoos." Sawyer was still holding a Firewhiskey bottle and was waving it around madly.

Barbed Wire said, "Right…well men, pick a tattoo and sit down."

"OH! OH! I want to go first!" Sirius said. "Let me see, I want a dog, because I can change into one! WANNA SEE?" Barbed Wire was just about to say no, when Sirius transformed and ran around in circles trying to grab his own tail. He got dizzy, fell over, and turned back into a human again, laughing with James and Sawyer.

"So Dog Man, where would you like this dog tattoo to be?" Barbed Wire thought this was the oddest group of people he had ever gotten.

"Well, I know a couple of sexual places it could go," James and Sawyer started to laugh again, "But I think I'll just have it go on my arm."

"Right…sit down…this might hurt a bit."

"Please…" Sirius laughed, "I can take a little pain!"

"Okay," Barbed Wire sighed and got his needles and started inking Sirius.

"OW!" Sirius yelled, trying to get away from Barbed Wire. "THAT HURTS! I HATE YOU!"

"Relax," Barbed Wire did a few more strokes, "See, I'm all done."

Sirius awed, "What a pretty doggy!"

James stepped up, "I want to go now. I want a stag, because I can turn into a stag, want to see?"

Barbed Wire stopped James this time, "NO!"

"But Sirius got to change! Oh I'll show you anyways!" With that, James turned into a stag. He was, however, to big for the room and ended up knocking over a few things, much to Sawyer and Sirius's delight.

"Great, oh well, REPARO!" Barbed Wire said, and everything was back to normal, "And where would you like yours?"

"Well…on my back would be cool!" James said enthusiastically, "And have it in a running stance!" James hiccupped again.

"If that's what you want…" Barbed Wire reluctantly said. He then pulled out some more ink and needles, and began to work.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhHAHHHHhhhhHHHAHHhhhhh!"

Back at the castle, Lily looked up, "Hey Remus, did you hear that?"

"What?"

"Oh nothing.." Lily went back to work. Little did she know, but she was hearing James's screams.

"There, all done." Barbed Wire pulled out his ear plugs that he had put in his ears. He looked at Sawyer, "And for you?"

"Well I was thinking I would like a series of numbers coiling around my arm."

"Okay, what numbers may I ask?"

Sawyer answered, "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42."

Barbed Wire looked wide-eyed, "But the numbers are bad! The NUMBERS ARE BAD!"

Everyone in the room stared, "Your weird." Sirius muttered.

"Yeah, well, I still want the numbers. So are you going to give them to me or do I have to force you to give them to me?" Sawyer looked menacing.

"I guess so, but be warned, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THOSE WITH THE NUMBERS!" And with that, Barbed Wire took out his needles and ink and started to work.

Sawyer mad one of those weird, in pain faces, you know the kind where you are in excruciating pain, but don't want to have a total scream attack, like James did. Sawyer is too manly to scream.

Now that they are done, they all decide to go back to the castle. They were still drunk when they got to Hogwarts. Sirius suddenly stopped and looked around wildly. The whole corridor went silent and he could hear the music starting again.

"NO!" Sirius started sunning down the corridor.

Really it was just the music class. Yes there is a music class. James and Sawyer laughed at Sirius. Still, Sirius was freaking out and ran right into Professor McGonagall.

"BLACK!" Professor McGonagall screeched. "I thought I told you to go to the hospital wing. What are you doing in the corridors!" The she sniffed him, "ARE YOU DRUNK?"

Right at that moment, Sirius saw the Phantom's head pop out of a suit of armor. The Phantom was giggling and he called out to Sirius, "Come, come to your angel of magic!" He popped back into the suit of armor.

"Oh no, you're not getting away from me this time!" Sirius yelled. Sirius took out his wand and accio-ed a base ball bat and proceeded to clobber the suit of armor until there was nothing but metal and bolts.

McGonagall went on a rampage and grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and shook him about. "THERE IS NOTHING IN THE SUIT OF ARMOR, BLACK! 50 points from Gryffindor, 20 for being crazy and 30 for beating up school property. Now go to the Hospital Wing with me RIGHT NOW!"

Sirius struggled. A lot. James and Sawyer were laughing and Sawyer realized that he still had an empty Firewhiskey bottle in his hand.

"And you!" McGonagall shouted. "You are a professor! You should know better than to let these boys drink alcohol! You are a fiend!"

"Jeez, chill down." Sawyer tried to think of the most responsible thing to do, "I'm going to talk to Sirius and I'm going to tell him there is no Phantom and then I'm going to give the boys a lecture on not drinking."

"Oh no," McGonagall said, "Sirius is coming with me, in fact, all of you are coming with me."

"Uh oh." James muttered.

"THE PHANTOM IS IN THIS SCHOOL, I KNOW HE IS!" SIRIUS SAID, TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM McGonagall's fingers that were wrapped around his arm.

Just then, a flash of black ran by, laughing manically. James said, "Hey, did you see that?"

"I TOLD YOU!" Sirius said, laughing. "But none of you, losers, believed me!"

James said, "But I always believed you!"

"Oh, well…whatever." Sirius grinned a drunken, laughing grin.

The Phantom of Hogwarts said, from the rafter, "I AM HERE, THE PHANTOM OF HOGWARTS!"

"Eek!" Sirius said, running down the corridors, having Sawyer, James, and McGonagall chase after him.

McGonagall caught him first, who knew she was such a fast runner? She noticed something, "Sirius, what is that?" She pointed at his arm, "It looks like a dog."

**A/N: Wow this is the longest chapter yet! So…PLEASE REVIEW!**


	8. Charles Dickens

**Chapter 8: Charles Dickens**

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of it**

It was a bright, beautiful day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but it wasn't for Sirius Black. James had detention, Remus was studying, and Peter was not there. James had detention because his mother found out about him getting a tattoo, actually, everyone found out he got a tattoo, because his mother sent him a howler. It was breakfast and…

And…Sirius and Remus were arguing which type of jam was better, grape or strawberry. James was smiling to himself because it was such a pointless argument, when the mail came.

"Oh, look James!" Sirius said smiling at James owl, Osterdock, "I love you Osterdock!" Sirius was showing a great deal of affection towards the owl and was giving it a huge hug.

"Hey James?" Remus said looking puzzled, "Why did you name him Osterdock?"

"Oh well you see" James said, "I named him that because…um…well…I don't know! I just like the bloody name!"

"Hey mate…what's with the burning letter Osterdock is holding?" Sirius said looking warily at the bird. Osterdock was staying cool, he liked fire. Some say he could be a phoenix, but James preferred him as an owl.

"What burning envelope?" James said looking up from his toast, which had strawberry jam on it. When he say the envelope, he dropped the toast, "Oh shit! That's a howler!"

The envelope burst open and the letter came to life with James's mother shrieking at him.

"Wow" Sirius said, "That sound like my mother when she's acting normal at me!"

James's mother roared, "JAMES POTTER! HOW DARE YOU GET A TATTOO!"

"Whoa, how did she find out?" James said.

"I BET YOU'RE WONDERING HOW I FOUND OUT!"

"Well" Sirius said, "How convenient."

"PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL WROTE TO ME, TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR EXCURSION TO HOGSMEADE AND HOW SIRIUS HAD A TATTOO AND I KNOW YOU JAMES, YOU GOT ONE TOO! I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TWO WERE THINKING OF! IT'S A GOOD THING I FOUND OUT BECAUSE YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE JAMES!"

At this point, the Great Hall was extremely quiet. Lily was sniggering to herself quietly and Remus looked appalled.

"AND ANOTHER THING! THERE WILL BE NO MORE QUIDDITCH FOR YOU!" James was very pale.

"AND AS FOR YOU, SIRIUS BLACK!" James's mother screeched, "I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT I'M SURE YOUR MOTHER WILL BE HEARING A FEW WORDS FROM MCGONAGALL TOO!"

It was Sirius's turn to turn pale. "I forgot all about my mother…shiiiiiiiiiiiit." Sirius said playing with his hair.

"Forget that mate, I can't play Quidditch anymore! This is a tragedy!"

"I WILL BE SPEAKING TO DUMBLEDORE ABOUT THIS JAMES! YOUR FATHER AND I ARE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! OH AND PLEASE MAKE SURE OSTERDOCK GETS SOMETHING TO EAT. HE'S SUCH A DARLING OWL. YOU KNOW WE ARE ONLY DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. SEE YOU AT HOME!" And with that, the howler ripped into a thousand shreds.

"Wow," Remus said smiling, "That was awesome!"

"I'm glad you're amused Remus." Sirius said flatly. "Just image what my mother will say."

Sirius was almost as pale as James, who was still muttering "no Quidditch, no Quidditch," and rocking back and forth.

"I can see her now," Sirius said staring at his hands, "She'll come down the stairs with the scissors again, threatening to cut my hair." Sirius looked white as a ghost or phantom, like a particular Phantom of Hogwarts. Sirius lovingly touched his hair and sighed, "It's okay hair," He said stroking it lovingly, "I won't let psycho mother get you, no no no, it's okay."

James and Remus starred at him.

Dumbledore came down from the professor's table. "Soooo," Dumbledore said with a small smile, "You got tattoos huh?" Sirius was about to tell him about how cool his tattoo is, but realized it wasn't the time for that nonsense.

"Well Professor Dumbledore, you see," James said looking sheepishly up at him, "It was all Sirius's idea."

"HEY!" Sirius said indignantly, "It wasn't my idea! Oh wait…okay, it was sort of my idea, but that not the point! It wasn't _all_ of my fault!" Sirius looked slightly confused and angry at the same time.

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was." Dumbledore said looking very serious at James and Sirius. "You will both be punished for leaving school campus and getting tattoos without a legal guardian present. James, I'm afraid your punishment will be longer than Sirius's, for you see, I have not yet had contact with Sirius's mother. Your mother was very specific with her punishment, it is to clean pretty much the whole school for the next month."

"NOOOOOOO!" James moaned. Everyone in the Great Hall turned to look at him.

And that's why, you see, Sirius was all alone. Dumbledore was still making contact with his mother, so he had nothing to do.

* * *

"Perhaps," Sirius mused to himself, "I will go and pay ol' Jamesey a visit." And with that, Sirius got up, fixed his hair, of course, then left going to the Trophy Room where James was polishing a trophy that had the words Tom Riddle on them. James shrugged and tossed it behind him.

"Hey Sirius," James said looking up at Sirius. James had polish on his face, "Do you know who Tom Riddle is?"

"I think my mother mentioned him once, something about how wonderful he is? I don't know, I never met the guy, but Hagrid sure seems to hate him. Can't imagine why though, but enough about him. How are you doing without me!" Sirius smiled a big goofy smile.

"Oh you know, I'm just peachy." James said rolling his eyes. "Can you hand me that big trophy over there?"

Sirius relented but figured it was the least he could do for his best mate. "Here ya go!" Sirius said smiling. Then he saw something shiny from within the trophy. "OH SHINY!" Sirius pulled out the shiny thing. "What the devil is this?" Sirius was puzzled.

"That's a time turner!" James said running over towards Sirius.

"Oh really? My mother won't let me get one…I wonder why?" Sirius said looking puzzled, "Hey James, is it dangerous?"

"I don't think so…" James said looking at it with glee.

"Hey I wonder what this knob thing does?"

"Well spin it and see what it does."

"Okay!" Sirius said smiling. He was smiling a lot these days. He flicked it ever so slightly and the room spun and then everything went back to normal.

"Well that was lame." Sirius looked sad. Like all of his hopes and dreams are gone.

"Nothing happened!" James said. They went out into the corridor and saw themselves walking down the corridor with ten Hufflepuff girls goggling at them.

"Hey mate, didn't that happen this morning?" James said watching himself. "Hey…I wonder if we turn it a few more times, we'll go back even more!"

"Okay, I'll just spin it like so…" Sirius said only the thing is that the knob thingy broke off and they were suddenly spinning around in some kind of vortex. Finally they landed on a cobble stone street.

"What…?" Was all Sirius could manage.

"YOU BROKE IT! James said looking panicked. "Now we'll never go home AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"James relax! I can fix this!" Sirius pulled out a book _How to Fix a Time Turner for Dummies_. "See mate." Sirius said smiling. "Everything is going to be okay! I have my book and I'll fix everything." Sirius looked at his book, "I just need a muggle screw driver, do you think some place will have one?"

"How about that place over there," James pointed to a little house.

Suddenly they saw someone leaving the place and throwing away a stack of papers. "TO HELL WITH THE LOT OF YOU PAPERS!" The man said angrily and stormed back into the house.

"Well that was weird." Sirius said. "That man needs to find his chi." Sirius sighed.

"Okay, go tell him that he needs to find his chi."

"All right I will, and once he finds his chi, he will go and give me a screw driver I need! And then we can return to Hogwarts!" Sirius got up and walked over to the house.

"Sirius," James said looking wary, "What time period is this?"

"How the hell should I know! Maybe the stack of papers the man threw out has the date on them." Sirius walked over to one of the papers and picked it up. "Hmm…it says something like 1850...but…but that can't be right…right?"

"Well we did use a time turner Sirius." James said smiling.

"Oh shit." Sirius looked around frantically. Then looked at the paper again, "Hold on, I think I've read something like this before."

"What? Was it in one of your dummy books?" James said teasingly.

"Shut up James. For your information, it was Charles Dickens early draft for his work on _Great Expectations_. And no I did not read that from _Dickens for Dummies_. Even though I do own it and it might be helpful one day, but that's not the point! Sirius said throwing down the papers.

"So Sirius, do you still want to ask him if he needs to find his chi?" James asked.

"Yes I do. Also I want to know if he might know Charles Dickens personally." And with that, James and Sirius walked up to the door and knocked.

"What…" Why is someone disturbing me?" They heard an old man from inside the house. The disgruntled man opened the door and looked at Sirius and James with a very odd look.

"Hello Sir!" Sirius said boldly shaking the man's hand. "I just wanted to ask if you had a muggle screw driver on you."

The old man looked perplexed, "A muggle? What the devil is wrong with you boy!" He shook his head, "I think that you need to take a little trip to Newgate Prison. Come along with me." The old man started to pull on his arm and tried to drag him toward a big scary dark building.

"Prison?" The color drained from Sirius's face, "No! You don't understand! We were just making a joke! Please don't send us to prison!" Sirius begged, he never wanted to go to a prison and actually be a prisoner.

"Oh…a joke? Riiiiiight. The man looked scared of Sirius and James, "And your friend? Was he born without speech?" The old man started poking and waving at James, as if he were a chicken.

"No I can speak. See? I'm talking right now!" James was insulted that someone would call him mute, because he is one of the loudest people in the world. Except Sirius of course.

"Ah well, I cannot be disturbed today. Go find someone else to bother with all your petty little problems." With that, the old man slammed the door in their faces.

"Wait! Mr. Whoever-you-are! We wanted to ask you a question!" Sirius yelled to the old man.

"Foolish boy! I am in the middle of writing a new book. Now, please I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone! If you are looking for work, I'm sure you can get a fine job working for some chimney sweepers or something. Now, good day to you sirs!"

"But we need to ask you about your chi!" James yelled, now looking to the man, "After all, what good is sitting alone in your room? Life is a cabaret old chum, come to the cabaret!" James smiled.

Sirius and the old man looked at James like he was crazy, "What? Having you ever see _Cabaret?_" Sirius and the old man shook their heads. Then…the awkward silence came.

"Anyway," Sirius said looking to the old man, "I seem to be in a little dilemma. You see my," Sirius paused for a moment, looking at the time turner, "My CLOCK broke. I was simply wondering if you had a device that could fix my, you know, clock."

"Well young man, you see, you want to go to the clock repair man. I cannot help you, for you see, I am a writer and therefore, do not repair clocks."

Sirius looked at the old man, "Oh?" He said cocking one of his eyebrows. James sniggered. Sirius always looked surprised when he did that, even if it was meant to look puzzled. "What are you writing?"

"Have not you seen the newspapers? I've been writing a column called _Great Expectations_." The old man said.

"OMG! Your Charles Dickens!" Sirius shouted at the top of his lungs. "It's an honor, and I mean HONOR, to meet you! Oh just wait till I tell Evans! I shook Charles Dickens's hand!" Charles Dickens looked thoroughly shocked and stunned and starting backing away from Sirius.

James whispered to Sirius, "Are you still going to ask him about his chi?"

"Ah yes. I almost forgot." Sirius whispered back to James. "Say Dickens, can I call you Dickens?" Dickens started to shake his head when Sirius cut him off, "Okay…May we please read some of your book, I mean, newspaper article? It sounds absolutely enjoyable! Perhaps we could discuss it over some tea?" Sirius smiled that smile that he always used when he wanted something.

"Why, I think I could manage a few more for tea time."

"Here we are!" Charles said sitting down at the table. "Some good British tea." He handed them cups and Sirius began digging through he papers.

Suddenly, James spilled a bunch of tea onto one of the papers in front of Dickens.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You bumbling fool! That was my conclusion!" Dickens was about to go and attack James when Sirius blocked him and pushed Dickens back into his chair.

"Dude, you have to find your chi." Sirius said in a matter of fact tone.

"You insolent child! How dare you call me a dude! And what the devil is a chi?" Dickens was looking at Sirius with confusion and James looked terrified that Dickens going to jump at him again.

"No no no, dude is just a term of affection. Chi is…well…chi is…ummmm…hold on." Sirius pulled out his new dummy book, _Chi for Dummies_. He sat down and began reading.

Dickens looked perplexed, "What kind of book is that? What is the cover made out of…wax?"

"No Mr. Dickens, "James said sipping his tea, "That is a dummy book. The cover is made out of plastic and paper.

"It says here," Sirius said reading, "That chi is energy throughout the body. Oh…that makes sense." Sirius closed the book and put it back into his book bag. "Now I am going to show you how to find your chi. It will help you relax and find enlightenment in your soul."

James nodded in a matter of fact way to dickens. "You better pay attention to Sirius. He's a master at this sort of thing."

Dickens looked confused and was muttering to himself. The only words they caught were "lunacy," "what the devil," "chi," and finally "what the devil is a dummy book anyway?"

Sirius pulled out his wand. "Man…I can't see a thing in this house of yours. Where are your windows? I hate really dark homes." Sirius shuttered slightly and said "lumos" to himself. Instantly the room was ten times brighter than it was before.

Dickens jumped back in alarm. "YOU A WARLOCK! I MUST TELL THE GOVERNMENT!" Dickens started jumping up when James walked around to the other side of the room.

"Now now Dickens, this is exactly what we're trying to teach you. You must calm down. Sirius would never hurt people. I mean...he never even kills spiders, he talks to them." James started laughing.

"Hey!" Sirius said in defense, "That was one time! And I would like it if you could not talk about that. I was drunk, so just shut your mouth!"

"Now" Sirius said smiling and clearing the table off. "That's much better. I hate clutter." Sirius smiled and started dusting off the table. He proceeded to jump on top of it and sat down. "Pay attention Dickens. to find your chi, you must first clear your mind of any distractions that are bugging you. Perhaps you are stressed at work, writing _Great Expectations_, maybe your girlfriend is seeing another man because she no longer finds the brooding artist look attractive anymore. Perhaps maybe you are looking for your lost dog Cadbury whom you've raised since he was a puppy. Whatever the reason, I want you to clear your mind and breath slowly through your nose." Sirius proceeded to breath through his nose and exhale through his mouth.

"You see how Sirius is breathing?" James said prodding Charles Dickens on the shoulders. "See how he inhales and exhales. Now you try!" James said smiling.

Charles looked scared but began to breath slowly through his nose and exhaled out of his mouth.

"Very good." Sirius said grinning, "Now that we have breathing covered, I want you to close your eyes. I want you to close your eyes and think of the happiest thing you can think off. Perhaps you are thinking about a large glass of Firewhiskey or you're thinking about Sarah Clemmings with her short skirt and oh so long legs with her perfect blonde hair swishing into your face in potions class...yeaaaaaaaaaah." Sirius stopped talking and was smiling to himself while James and Charles looked on in confusion.

James coughed loudly so it would jerk Sirius out of Sarah land, "Oh sorry...ha-ha, lost track of time for a minute. Anyways, I want you to think of whatever makes you happy. But remember, it cannot be anything stressful. It must be HAPPY!" Sirius smiled hugely so you could see his sharp canine teeth, kind of like a dogs.

"See," James said prodding Charles in the back, "See how happy he is? How he's smiling all relaxed? Now you do it!" James said smiling at Charles.

"STOP PRODDING ME BOY!" Charles said about to strangle James again.

Sirius pulled out his wand and stunned him. "AH AH AH!" Sirius said scolding. "That's not happy now is it?" He undid the stunning spell and Charles shook his head silently. "That's right." Sirius said smiling while still scolding. "Now sit down and be good and maybe you will get a cookie when you're done."

Charles smiled. "I like cookies!" Charles said.

James nodded and replied, "Then you sit still and listen to master Sirius."

"Thank you James." Sirius said smiling, "Now did you think of something happy?" Sirius looked on expectantly. Charles nodded happily, "I'm thinking about cookies." Charles smiled again with his eyes closed.

James and Sirius looked at each other. "Right." Sirius said looking oddly at Charles Dickens. "Cookies. Whatever. Okay, now that you've thought of something happy, you must close your eyes breath in and out and think of your...cookies." Sirius said starting to laugh.

After a little bit, Sirius decided to teach them about the proper sitting position. He was getting long winded about which leg should go where. James was still paying attention, however, Charles was looking at his fingernails and was examining his cuticles.

"Are you paying attention?" James said hitting Charles on top of his head.

"OW! YOU HIT ME! YOU BLUNDERING FOOL! I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!" Sirius sighed and pulled out his wand, stunning him again.

Sirius thought it was pointless to lecture Charles about his anger issues, he just thought it was funny to stun Charles. Soon though, Sirius unstunned him. Sirius turned to James, "And what don't we do to our good friend, James?" Sirius said raising his eyebrows, trying to imitate Professor McGonagall.

"We don't hit him. We calmly find our chi and breath through our nose and exhale through our mouth. And do chi stuff like whatever you've been talking to Charles about." James hated it when Sirius started to imitate McGonagall.

"NOW!" Sirius said clapping his hands again. James and Charles jumped again. "Back to chi. Now you simply place your hands on top of your legs, which are crossed." Charles looked on in wonder. "And put them in the classic "ok" position."

"Like this?" Said Charles, who happened to do the chi position perfectly.

"VERY GOOD!" Sirius said beaming. "You did it! You get a cookie!"

"Oh boy a cookie!" Charles jumped up and reached for the cookie which James handed to him patting him on his head.

As Charles was eating his cookie, things became awkward. James and Sirius didn't know what to do.

"Sirius muttered, "I wish there was an easy way out, but I don't think he has a screw driver…or know what one is."

James muttered, "I wish there was an easy button"

Just then, two girls, who both happened to be called Katie, popped out of nowhere. The first one with long hair said, "There may not be a easy button, but there is an easy way out. Actually the easy way out is with a button."

The second Katie, with short hair, continued, "On your time turner," James looked down at the time turner, "There is a button on the side. See it? Push it and you go back to normal. Got that? Good. See ya!" And with that, they disappeared.

"Who were they?" James asked.

"I don't care, but they are hot. And they totally helped us. Come on! Let's go!" Sirius was always the one to point out how hot girls were.

"Okay. Bye Charles Dickens!" However, Charles Dickens did not respond to James. He was too absorbed with the cookie.

James pushed the button and they were traveling back to the future. They were back in the Trophy Room, just like it was before they left.

"James, I think it's agreed that we shouldn't talk about this." Sirius said.

"Agreed."

* * *

Throughout the next few days, Professor Dumbledore tried and tried but could not reach Sirius's mother (for the detention, in case you forgot!). Therefore he assigned Sirius to help James with his detention and also took 150 points away from Gryffindor. 

After a month was up, James and Sirius were done with their punishment and everything went back to normal. Or well, normal-ish.

* * *

**A/N: Wow our longest chapter ever! Yay! Party time! Everyone who reviews gets their own personal party! Don't ask why they met Charles Dickens…it's a long story. But anyways, hope you liked it, and sorry if there are any errors in it. See you next chapter!**


	9. A Snake

**Chapter 9: A Snake**

**AN: Sorry it took so long, we were…busy…meaning lazy. It's kinda pathetic how we had all summer to update but we didn't, now we are back in school. Also if you like this fan fiction, you should read KD's fanfic. It's called Snape and Bella! UNITE! You can find it on my profile page or just search for it. **

**OMG starting this chapter, there is going to be a plot that lasts more than one chapter! I know-amazing. We were inspired by Snakes On A Plane, however, we have not seen the movie yet. LOL**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything…cause if we did, we would be millionaires! Um…yeah. Riiight…. NOW! On with the show…I mean FAN FICTION! **

**XXXXXXXXX**

Snape was sitting in the Slytherin common room, putting grease in his hair. He was contemplating on how sexy he was when suddenly he heard a boom, a shriek, a clang, and a hiss. Snape snapped out of his sexy day dream, when he saw his snake, Snakey, leave the common room through the entry door. Snape jumped up and knocked over his bottle of grease, which landed on the carpet, permanently staining it.

He ran out of the room calling after his beloved Snakey, "SNAKEEEEEEEEEEEY!"

But it was too late, Snakey was gone.

**XXXXXXXXX**

Cutting to our sexy marauders, Sirius and James were out on the Quidditch Pitch. The Hufflepuff team was practicing, however, they did not notice the two marauders on the pitch.

Sirius bent down and looked around at the grass, "I'm telling you Prongsie baby, if I loose Remus' curling iron again, I'm dead!"

"Just retrace your steps! I'm sure Moony will understand. He did last time!" James said.

"That's because you were using it James!"

They continued to look around the Quidditch Pitch, when Sirius finally sighed and sat down on the grass. He touched his hair lovingly and said, "Damn it! I really needed that curling iron!"

"Right…Hey I just saw something move in the grass! Maybe that's it!" James pointed to a patch of grass that was rustling.

"Yeah…A MOVING curling iron. That's so plausible!"

"You never know!" James walked over to the moving patch of grass and suddenly a snake coiled around his neck. "AHHHHHHH! IT'S A SNAKE! AHHHH! IT'S A SNAKE!"

Suddenly, the Hufflepuffs that were watching the practice, broke out in their typical Hufflepuff cheer, "Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger…"

Randomly the Hufflepuff seeker dove down to the ground and yelled, "MUSHROOM? MUSHROOM!" He picked a mushroom off the ground.

Sirius blinked a couple of times, "That was weird."

Sirius was starring at the Hufflepuffs, who were still doing their cheer, when James interrupted his thoughts, "SIRIUS! GET THIS BLOODY THING OFF ME!"

"Oh…right. Hey, do you know a good uncoiling spell?"

"James rolled his eyes, "Oh sure! It's just Snakeo-Get-Off-O," James stated very sarcastically.

"Well…It's worth a try!" Sirius looked through his pockets, "Now where is my wand? No, not here, maybe it's in the back pocket."

"Hurry! It's get…ting…tight…er." James was going purple in the face.

"Hold on. Did I leave it in the common room? Oh no! Silly me! It's in my shoe!" Sirius took off his shoe and pulled out his wand. James was practically choking to death.

Sirius pointed his wand at James, "Snakeo-Get-Off-O!" Magically, the snake flew off James and hit the grass, motionless. James was gasping for air.

"Oh get up James, it's not like you were choking to death."

James sent a Death Glare of Doom towards Sirius. However, Sirius did not notice.

Sirius picked up the snake, but then dropped it, "DO YOU THINK IT'S POISONOUS?"

"How the hell should I know? Check to see if it has fangs!"

But before Sirius could check to see if it had fangs, Remus dashed onto the pitch and walked towards them.

"Hey, have you guys seen my curling iron? I really need it." Remus pulled his hand through his hair.

Sirius looked shifty eyed, "No I haven't seen…it. DO YOU THINK THIS SNAKE IS POISONOUS?"

Remus looked at the snake, "Heavens no! It's just a _Thamnophis sirtalis parietalis."_

Sirius and James looked blank. "A what?" Sirius asked.

"A garden snake…duh."

"Well then! I suppose it needs a name! How 'bout Frank!"

James turned to Sirius, "You already have…like five things named Frank! How are we supposed to keep track?"

Remus bent down and picked something off the ground, "Oh here's my curling iron! Good, 'cause I really need it now!" Remus turns it on (it doesn't need a plug cause it's a magical curling iron) but it sparks and dies. "Oh no! It died! Oh well. I'll just borrow Lily's."

"Damn it…Janet." Sirius cried out, "That's the 7th thing I've named Frank that has died!"

"You have seven?"

"Duh! There's the ant, the spider, the leaf, the rubber band, the mushroom (In the background, you could hear a faint "Mushroom? Mushroom!" From the Hufflepuff seeker), the bobcat, and now the curling iron!"

James starred at him, "Riiight…So what now?" The Hufflepuff Quidditch team has now left, a bit earlier than usual, however, they were still chanting the badger song.

"Well, I suggest you get a nice clean cage with some water and make sure the snake is comfortable." Remus suggested.

"Or…WE COULD PLAY WITH IT!" Sirius shouted out.

"I know!" James said, "Let's see how far we can throw it!"

Remus looked anxious, "I don't think this is such a-"

"I bet I can throw it farther than you!" Sirius shouted at James, even though they were less than a foot away from each other.

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

Sirius and James race towards one side of the field.

Sirius shouted to Remus, "You can be judge!"

Remus sighed, "Okay fine."

"Come on, you know you want to!" Sirius said.

"Now on with the show!" James yelled.

Frank, the snake, hissed a couple of times.

Sirius cupped his hand around his ear, "Wait! I think I know what he's saying. He's saying…Sirius…Black…is extremely…hot."

James looked at him skeptically, "I think you're a bit rusty, mate."

"Okay, I say we should have some sort of rules. Rule number one: You must throw the snake with only one hand. Rule two: You can only take one step. Rule three: If we get caught, this is all you. Don't expect me to back you up."

Sirius and James sighed, "Aw spoil sport."

"Okay, I think that's it."

James yelled to Sirius, "I'm totally going to win."

"No I am. You're forgetting I'm a beater. I have a good arm, an awesome, a manly arm, a sexy arm!"

"You mean two arms."

"That too!"

They were all pumped up now and Remus shouted, "Let the games begin!"

Sirius took a step and started swinging the snake around his head and chanted a war cry when he flung the snake forward. It landed with a soft thump on the grass.

Remus ran over and measured from Sirius' place. He called back to Sirius, "Twenty feet!"

"Wahoo! Beat that Prongsie baby!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

It was now James' turn to throw the snake. He took his place and began to spin the snake around. The he flung the snake forward and it landed right near Remus' foot. Remus looked down and called out, "Wow James, it has landed almost exactly in the same spot as Sirius's! But Sirius's was slightly more, so I guess he won."

"YES! WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, BITCH!" Sirius did a victory dance.

"What? No way!" James looked furious.

"I told you I'd win. I'm so armalicious!"

"Sirius I don't think that's a word." Remus walked to where Sirius and James were, carrying the snake.

"Shut up. It is a word in my dictionary."

"You have a dictionary?" Remus and James looked stunned.

"Pssh…no! Who told you that?" Sirius looked offended.

"YOU DID!"

"Oh right…well…I WON! BOO YAH!" Sirius continued his victory dance.

Remus turned to James, "You do realize that he will never let you live this down, right?"

"Yeah I know." James was pouting because he lost.

When Sirius finally stopped dancing, he asked, "So what now?"

James sprung to life, "I know! How about we play tug and war with it!"

"Yeah! I bet I'll win!"

"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!"

Remus interrupted them, "I don't think we should…we could hurt it."

"Duh Moony, where have you been? That's the point! I get the tail!" Sirius said.

"Damn it…Janet!" James said.

Sirius and James grabbed the snake at different ends and began to pull. They pulled for about two minutes when suddenly the snake bit James's hand.

"OW!" James yelled out in pain and dropped the snake.

"YES! I'M TOTALLY KICKING YOUR ASS FOO! WHOOHOO!" Sirius did another victory dance.

"DAMN IT! JANET!" James put a bandage on the snake bite.

Remus just shook his head, he knew something like this was going to happen.

After Sirius was down with his victory dance, the three marauders sat on the soft grass.

"You know," Remus said, "We should set the snake--"

"SEND IT TO NORWAY!" Both Remus and James starred at Sirius, wondering why he suggested that.

"Norway?" Remus said in disbelief.

"Yeah? So? Norway is awesome! When I went to Norway--"

"You've never been to Norway!"

"How do you know?"

"When you're not at Hogwarts, you're at James's!"

"Oh yeah…well…I could have gone to Norway."

"But you didn't."

"I STILL could have."

"Yeah sure."

"Right so anyways, I'll go get an owl so we can send Frank to Norway!" Sirius said getting back to their plan, or rather, his plan.

"Wait! If you send the snake on an owl, the owl might eat it!" Remus said.

"Yeah so?"

"Just…never mind." Remus gave up on trying to tell Sirius it was a bad idea.

"Fine Mr. Smarty pants! What way do you suggest sending it?"

"I suggest by a plane."

Both Sirius and James blinked, "A plane?"

"It's a muggle thing," Remus explained, "That can fly."

"Right…fine. We do it YOUR way!"

"FINALLY!"

"How do I get it onto an airplane?" Sirius asked.

"Maybe you can give it to those weird muggle post people." James suggested.

"The postman, you mean?" Remus said.

Randomly Sirius yelled out, "REMUS!"

"What!" Remus looked startled.

"Nothing."

"Right…"

Just then some Hufflepuff first years came by, "Yes?" One of them said, who happened to be named Wright.

"Not you!" Remus pointed to his fellow marauders, "Them, not you."

Wright asked, "Who's them?"

A kid in the back of the Hufflepuff group, named Them, said, "Yes?"

Another kid, named Yes, looked toward Them, "What now?"

What now, yes there was a Hufflepuff named What now, turned to Yes, "You called?"

Sirius interrupted them, "Hold on. Is there anybody named You Called?"

All the first year Hufflepuffs shook their heads. They left shortly after.

"Good." Sirius started to mumble something that sounded like, "Stupid first year Hufflepuff names."

"Anyways," Remus looked over to check that no one was going to say that Anyways was their name, "We should send the snake to the postman."

"Cool…How do we get it to the postman?" James asked.

"I'll do it! I love those muggle people!." Sirius volunteered.

"You probably shouldn't call them muggles to their faces." Remus said.

"It's not like they can tell the difference!" Sirius whined.

"So when are you going to the postman? Because I'm coming too." James asked.

"Right now! It'll be a quest!" Sirius shouted to no one.

"A quest!" James echoed Sirius.

"I'll be in the library, if you need me, which you will…you always do." Remus turned and walked off the field.

"ONWARD!" Sirius pointed towards Hogsmeade.

"AWAY!" James pumped his arm in the air.

James and Sirius started walking to Hogsmeade.

**AN: tehe…More randomness is on it's way. And it'll be here sooner. I think we should win an award for the most random idea or something…because this is like, beyond farfetched. Especially what's coming up next. Also, we love snakes. Honestly. We really don't want to hurt them…this is just a fanfic. Nothing is real. Okay…PLEASE REVIEW!**


	10. The Postdude

**Chapter 10: The Postdude**

**AN: Okay, I know I should have done this sooner but whatever. Thank You to all of my fabulous reviewers, even if there are so few of you. I'll like to thank possumgurl and The Insane Justin**.

**Disclaimer: We do not own anything.**

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sirius and James walked to Hogsmeade and then took a route into the forests that would eventually lead to the nearest muggle town. They were walking for about an half an hour, when they came to a fork in the road. They chose the right fork. They walked for about three minutes when suddenly, four Bengal tigers pounced on them. James pulled out his two samurai swords.

Sirius shouted, "Oh I'm ready for it. Come on bring it," and started doing jujitsu moves.

They were in a heavy battle, especially James, because they were attracted to his cologne. James shouted to Sirius, "Go! Go! The quest is too important! Save yourself! I'll be fine!"

"That's what they all say!"

"Just go!" James swung his sword at a tiger.

Sirius hurried away from the scene, hoping that James would be alright. As Sirius reached the outskirts of the forest, he heard a faint "Only you can prevent forest fires!" Sirius stopped. He was pretty sure it was James that he heard, however, Sirius was not sure why James would be screaming that to tigers. After a few minutes of pondering, Sirius continued on his journey.

Sirius finally got to the muggle town. He found the post office and stepped in.

"Hello muggle post…person…man…dude." Sirius said to the man at the counter. Sirius came at a good time, no one else was at the post office.

"What?" The postman looked up from his computer.

"Nothing Postdude, I would like to send this thing using your muggle postage system."

"Um…okay? Right…" The postman was eyeing Sirius weirdly.

"Great! Here is what I want to send." Sirius holds up a snake that was in his cloak pocket, and dropped it on the counter.

"A SNAKE!"

"Oh, so you know what it is? Excellent! So you can send it right?"

"Well…shouldn't it be in a cage of some sort?"

Sirius shook his head. "Of course not silly muggle dude! It must be packaged. Honestly."

"I don't think it will be able to breath in a package." Another postman was starting to stare at Sirius and the snake that was on the counter.

"That's rubbish! I was packaged before and I was just fine! Honestly just add a few air holes and Frank will be just fine."

"Frank?"

"FRANK THE SNAKE!"

"Oh…of course sir. I'll package it for you. That will be twenty five dollars."

Sirius pulls out some galleons, knuts, and some bolts on the counter.

The postman looked wary of these objects, "I have never seen this money before."

"Obviously, you're a muggle. I suppose my money does not work here. Oh what the hippogriffs, here have this muggle paper money."

"Sir, this is a hundred dollars!"

"Keep the change." Sirius added his award winning wink.

"Right, sir. Where would you like me to send it?" The postman got a box out and started to put the snake inside. Afterwards, he added an air hole.

"TO NORWAY, AWAY! And possibly, I have heard of this contraption called an air plane. Do you think Frank could be shipped on one?"

"Okay, and yes, it would go on an air plane." The other postman shook his head in disbelief that Sirius has not heard of an air plane.

"Thank you kind, thoughtful, balding muggle. I must be off. I have to go back to my…boarding school. The ladies will be missing me. Well, cheerio! AWAY!!!!!"

Sirius ran out of the post office and stood outside. Sirius pulled out his wand (or stick from the postman's point of view) from his pocket, and held it out in front of him. Suddenly, he put it down, walked out to the street, and said, "Thank you Ern, to Hogwarts. AWAY!" And vanishes from the postman's sight. The postman blinks.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When Sirius got back to school, he found Remus and James in the common room, drinking iced tea.

"Mission is complete," Sirius said, "Hey James how did you get away from those Bengal tigers?"

"Oh I was just telling Remus, after you left, I remembered that I was a wizard and I could in fact do magic. So I conjured up a cage and I put the tigers in it."

"So are the tigers still in the forest. In a cage?"

"Yes."

"Was one of the tiger's named Frank?" Sirius asked.

"Yes." James said, "He died."

"Oh…Oh…Oh." That was all Sirius could say.

**XXXXXXXX**

**And that is the end of that. Ugh. I don't like this ending, but next chapter is much better. Much better meaning…more randomness. Sorry for the lack of updating. I was lazy and there was school and I was busy, etc, etc. But trust me. The next chapter is almost done. Almost meaning…actually this time is does mean almost. **

**PLEASE REVIEW! I LOVE REVIEWERS! IMAGINARY MUFFINS TO ALL WHO REVIEWS!**


	11. Snape's On A Plane!

**Chapter 11: Snape's On A Plane!**

**AN: So...After this chapter, don't expect any updates soon. Hopefully we'll update before this year is over...heh...heh...but we make no promises. **

**Thank you to reviewer, possumgurl!**** You get an invisible muffin!  
**

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything...not even Frank.**

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It was the next day in the Great Hall, everyone was having breakfast. Snape had his suspicions that Sirius and James were the ones behind his missing snake.

Snape walked over to the Gryffindor table and stopped right behind the Marauders. "Where's my snake?"

James calmly answered, "On a plane."

"SNAPE'S ON A PLANE?!" Sirius yelled. Random people looked at Sirius strangely. Probably becuase they never heard of a plane before.

"No, the _snake_ is on a plane." Remus whispered to Sirius.

Sirius laughed, "Oh the one we sent to Norway?"

"YOU SENT MY SNAKE TO NORWAY?"

"No I didn't! James did!" Sirius pointed to James.

"No it wasn't me! It was Remus!" It was James's turn to point at Remus.

"No of course I didn't. It was Sirius!" Remus said exasperated.

"No it was Peter!"

"Peter isn't here!"

"Oh yeah…I forgot. Well then…SAWYER DID IT!" Sirius pointed to Sawyer at the professor's table. There were many gasps from the other people in the Great Hall.

"Hell no! The Phantom did it!"

"I didn't send the snake! Christine sent it!" The Phantom answered from the rafters.

"Urm…Christine's dead." Sawyer said.

"Oh…right…urm..eh…" The Phantom ran off crying, into the darkness of the rafters.

Sirius turned to Snape, "Now look what you've done! You've made the Phantom cry!"

Remus said very blandly, "Sirius, we all know that you sent the snake to Norway."

"Yeah but…that's not the point. It's not like it's going on my criminal record or something."

"Yeah, 'cause it's already FULL!" James replied. The random people in the Great Hall snickered at this comment.

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"Fine! Name three incidents then, Mr. Smarty Pants."

Oh yeah? I can name more than that! Do you remember the piano incident, the lamp shade incident, the pocket watch incident, the muggle computer incident?"

Sirius laughed, "The CIA will never catch me!"

"Yeah, however, our government did!" Remus pointed out.

"Well yeah, ever since the top hat incident, they're been keeping tabs on me."

"VIVA LA TOP HATS!" Sirius, James, Remus, and Sawyer shouted at the top of their lungs. People around them looked very confused.

"Well anyways," James continued, "The hair brush incident, the Snapple incident, the glue incident, the quill incident, the snow ball incident, the bottle rocket incident, the hand cream incident, the boot incident…"

James went on like this for about fifteen minutes, when finally he said, "AND THE STRIPPER INCIDENT!"

James looked around, most people were staring at him attentively, however, Sirius was not. Sirius was braiding Sawyer's hair and Sawyer was looking at it in a mirror. Everyone looked at them in bewilderment.

"What are you doing?" James asked.

"Oh. You were getting boring, so I decided to braid Sawyer's hair. He has lovely locks. Are you done yet? I wasn't really listening." Sirius said and went back to start another braid in Sawyer's hair.

James smacked his palm on his face. He just wasted fifteen minutes ranting and Sirius wasn't even paying attention. Just then, a brown owl flew in and landed on Sirius's shoulder.

"Yay! I have mail. This is my lucky day!" Sirius took the note and the owl flew away. Sirius read out loud, "_Dear Mr. Black, _

_When your package arrived in Norway, we opened it up. Apparently, the snake inside was dead. We are terribly sorry for this inconvenience. If you have any comments or questions, please contact our supervision._

_Thank you and have a nice day,_

_The people of Norway._"

"My snake's dead?" Snape asked wide-eyed. He looked like he was going to cry.

"It appears so." Remus answered.

"You mean…You killed my motherfucking snake on a motherfucking plane?" Snape revised his question.

"Um…It appears so." Remus answered again.

There was silence. Then…

"WHY DOES EVERYTHING I NAME FRANK, DIE?" Sirius cried out.

"Wait. You named my snake Frank?"

**XXXXXXX **

**AN: PLEASE REVIEW!!! THERE WILL BE INVISIBLE MUFFINS FOR YOU!!!! **


	12. The Gift of Laughter

AN: Aha...So I've finally decided to update this fic. The only excuse I give to why I haven't updated it sooner is simple: I'm lazy. I know this is really short, but I want to get something out. I have a few more drabble-sized fics about the Marauders that I might post cause they fit the craziness which is this story.

* * *

_Cannot laugh. Cannot laugh._

Alone in the Common Room, Sirius sat on the couch, looking slightly rigid and rocking back and forth. James popped up from a hidden door way and spots Sirius._  
_

"Hey Sirius! What's up?" James asked Sirius.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Sirius belted out.

"Uhhh…Sirius? Are you okay?"

"Remus told me he'll give me a million chocolate frogs if I stop laughing."

"But you laughed?" James asked. He was a little (okay very) confused with Sirius's reasoning.

"Oh crap! Please don't tell him that I laughed! I'll split the chocolate frogs!"

"Okay I won't tell Remus."

Just then, a person walked into the room, "What won't you tell me?" Remus asked.

"That Sirius laughed." James replied, not thinking.

"Hey! Not fair!"

"Well I guess you lose! All those frogs are mine!" Remus exclaimed, adding a little maniacal laugh at the end.


End file.
